Monday, March 10, 2014

unsettled and heart broken

I hate starting off the week with anything less than an enthusiastic "HOLLER!" But the last few days were rough.They were weird, too weird, unfair and sad and confusing.  
I was having the best week last week ya know and then... 
life- full circle, balance, the good isn't as good without the bad to compare it to right? Well, sometimes you forget that it goes both ways. I do. And sometimes with the little things comes and an extra strong dose of reality. 
 
Wednesday afternoon I was driving a car full of kitties to one of our adoption centers - to obviously get adopted and have the best lives with people who would love them and take care of them and make sure they were happy forever, but on the way one of the sweetest, seemingly healthy, normal cats started getting sick and he died - he just died, in a crate in the car with me. He died while I was pulling off the highway to try to save him. I didn't know what to do. I pulled onto a road in an industrial part of town and I grabbed him out of his crate, put him on a towel on the front seat and tried to sweep his mouth but it was too late. I couldn't get it together. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I finally drove back to work, with him on the seat next to me because I couldn't bear to stick him back in that crate. And then I went home.The whole thing was surreal. It's not anything I was prepared for. 
They think it was a heart attack. Whatever it was it fucking sucked and isn't something I ever imagined would or could happen and it's definitely not something I can handle witnessing again. And that's the worst - the only bad thing about animals - you can't ever be sure if they know that you really, really love them or that you're trying to help them and that it destroys you when you can't. 
Maybe some of you will read this and think it's silly or stupid or just can't relate but fuck man, this is the stuff that breaks my heart. 
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11 comments:

  1. i wouldve cried too. oh man that rough. :(

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  2. I completely understand. Because my parents were helping my grandparents, I took our family cat to the vet. There is a long story here, but let's just say the cat had not been well for a while. This ended up being the last straw. I talked to my father on the phone, who said we had to put him down. I was there when they did what they had to and I drove home alone with an empty crate. I had to pull over on the side of the road because I was crying so much I couldn't see. It hits you hard when stuff like that happens so suddenly.

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    1. God - how awful. I can't even imagine how I'd cope if I had to go through that with one of my own. :(

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  3. So sad... breaks my heart just to HEAR about it... I can't imagine actually being there. I'm sorry, love. :/

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  4. I had a collection of 6 kittens born on my patio. The feral neighborhood cat felt like my home was the safest place to have them. I brought them all in to my home and took care of them. Two of the smallest a black and gold tortoise shell and a grey and gold tortoise shell, had serious breathing problems. The black one I had to massage on a regular basis to keep breathing. I couldn't help it stay alive. I was completely heart broken. I cried. I said it wasn't fair that something so small had life taken so quickly. The grey one I was able to save, but she has serious breathing problems for life. She walks around breathing like Darth Vader, and will stand on your chest and sneeze in your face the most disgusting sneezes ever, but I wouldn't let her go from my life for nothing.

    Cheer up little bird. There is balance, and without you trying everything you can to do things for those little lives, at great frustration and/or sadness, they may not live life or understand a caring hand. Never give up. And look to those around you for support when you fall.

    Keep being you. You are amazing.

    -n

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    1. Thanks Noah - you always say the sweetest things. And you're right - I won't give up. There are too many others that need help. And daily kitty hugs are the best.

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  5. I am crying. I am sorry, feeling helpless is the worst part. I'm ruined because of that feeling... truly. OMG I'm just crying over here.
    Anyway you are selfless and do so much good for animals, knowing you I bet in just that little time you spent getting those little ones ready to be adopted and even in the drive over that baby knew it was loved.
    You have a gift. Love you lady. So sorry that happened. Xoxo

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    1. Thanks mama - I would've called you that day but then I just would've cried more. :/

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  6. OMG, so sorry that happened to you! I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must have been... especially because it was a baby kitten!
    There used to be some stray kittens in my neighborhood, and one day when I was driving to work I found one of them dead in the road. I had to stop my car, I was bawling, and I scooped up the little kitten and buried him in my backyard. I wanted him to be treated like someone loved him, and not just tossed in the trash or something.
    <<"And that's the worst - the only bad thing about animals - you can't ever be sure if they know that you really, really love them or that you're trying to help them and that it destroys you when you can't." >> So true. Also the fact that even the healthiest animals don't live nearly as long as we do. By loving a pet, you are pretty much guaranteeing yourself that your heart, at some point, will be broken.

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