Saturday, August 1, 2015

I don't know what I'm doing

I'm not sure I'm going to continue with this blog, if I'll start a new one or if I'm interested in writing at all anymore. For now I'm going through and deleting a lot. I'm getting rid of the shit posts, the posts I published for the "blog community", the space fillers and certain reminders of my old life.
A lot can change in a year. A lot has changed. 
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Monday, October 20, 2014

2 Carrie's & more goodbyes

So much has changed since I last posted... if you're following me on Instie or we're FB friends you've seen the pictures (and you're probably super confused.) Lets see if I can explain. 
[First let me preface my explanation with this:
Before I went to South Africa last September there was just one me, the Carrie that wanted to live a fast life in a big city with all of the conveniences, surrounded by people doin their own thangs, being a boss, being a Boss Lady to be exact. That's how I imagined life would be and that's exactly what I was gunning for in New York buuuut... since South Africa there are two Carrie's, the one I just described and one that needs to travel and meet people and see things and live simply. That Carrie is happy if she's making more memories than money. That Carrie is obsessed with not wasting a moment - not wanting to die wishing she'd done more with all the time she had when she was young and healthy. That Carrie started to show herself more than the first.]
But ok, lemme tell you about New York. 
So, after my last post I kept meeting all kinds of really awesome people. I was getting the hang of things, had some really cool potential opportunities, and the nights - shit. The nights in New York are amazing. You really can't beat em. Whether it was bike rides through Williamsburg, dinners on the Lower East Side, wandering around Dumbo and SoHo, going to an art show at an urban garden in Queens, walking over the Brooklyn Bridge or finding myself in Chinatown...
 I was having a blast and I never had to venture far to find friends. I spent a lot of time at Skytown, the cute little bar across the street from my apartment. It quickly became my second home and the magical spot where all of these new wonderful people came into my life, people who had a lot to say, think and do, people passing through, people just like me, people who'd been in my shoes and only wanted me to stay and be happy and make it work. 
Those people absolutely made my nights and I love them for it but see, the magic kind of disappears when the sun starts coming up. The days were rough. My days were the hardest. When everyone else in the city was at work or sleeping off their night before I was in a cramped little apartment looking for jobs, nursing an insane amount of blisters and watching every documentary on Netflix imaginable. And then shit happened.  
It's no secret that I'd left Arizona with a lot of things up in the air - unfinished business if you will and suddenly I couldn't avoid it any longer. I was conflicted and confused. Add that to a growing list of daily frustrations (99% humidity is a killer especially when you're waiting for the train or a car, especially when you're in a hurry, especially when you're lost and it's raining and especially when you're trying to look professional because you're going to a job interview, having to dodge heroin zombies, crackheads and weirdos when you just want to get a cup of coffee, getting screamed at by homeless people when you're minding your own business, fighting over push carts in the laundry mat, having to walk four blocks to get cold medicine and/or tampons when all you want to do is stay inside and die.) It all just got to be too much so I freaked out and booked a flight home. 

My fifth and last week in New York also happened to be the week of my birthday and I treated it accordingly. Every night was a late one - the bars close at 4am. I'd stay out until 5 or 6 or 8...  
I celebrated with everyone - Andy & Shawn, the Skytown Crew (Sam, Sam, Collin, Summer, Shantel, Kevin, Kevin, Laura, Donnie & Max) the French guy & Garth, an Ohio pair, Ari & a pack of strangers. I was gifted with the annual cookie cake, flowers, dinners, lunches, adventures, cheers & SO MANY hugs! I had a time - I'm telling you, it was a birthday week I'll never forget and the perfect way to disguise a hesitant goodbye. 
Annnnnd by the time I got back to Phoenix I had a pretty severe case of Strep Throat accompanied by Scarlet Fever. SCARLET FEVER! What year is it?! I thought that shit disappeared in the middle ages but nope, it's still alive & kickin... it was kickin all over my body. Balance y'all. :/ 

So that's the New York part of my story.  Did I give up too soon? Maybe. Did I do it all wrong? Probably. Was I as prepared as I thought I was? Meh, who knows? Do I regret my time there? Not at all. Am I certain that New York isn't the place for me? Yeah I'm pretty certain. 
But wait! I said it was just the New York part of the story. I was only in Phoenix for a week before I left again... California was calling...  I'll tell you about that adventure later. 
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Monday, August 18, 2014

Time for goodbyes...

Tomorrow I'll be in New York, Brooklyn if you want specifics, my new home to be exact. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just as scared as I am excited. Arizona's been home for almost 6 and a half years. A lot has happened here but so much hasn't happened, the kind of stuff I know I'm meant for. 

I never intended to be here this long but leaving places has never been easy for me, even when staying was the last thing I wanted. Time goes by fast & the older you get the faster it goes. It seems like last week I was 18 and yesterday I graduated college. Suddenly I'm an adult. Suddenly I'm closer to 40 than I am to 20. Suddenly it's 6 years later and still, here I am. 
But today, for real - I'm packing my bags and preparing to leave everyone and everything, all of my worldly possessions (that won't fit into 3 suitcases) because suddenly I'm more afraid of wasting time than I am to do whatever it takes to get everything I want. 

I don't know what's going to happen... I don't know what to expect. I do know that it's not going to be easy. I know that I'm going to have to bust my ass. I know that I have SO much support and that my best, best is giving up his couch and what little extra space he has in his studio apartment until I find a job. I know that I'm going to miss my friends and family here in Arizona like crazy. I know that if I don't do this now I may never do it and more than anything, that "What if's" are best when you treat them like "Why not's" 

Au revoir Arizona!
Thanks for the memories! 
I'll see you again, hopefully later than sooner. 
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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

with some small time away

Never Gonna Change by BROODS on Grooveshark
I'm back in Arizona annnnd it's exactly the same as I left it. I don't know why I ever expect to come home to something different, whether I leave for 2 days, a week or a month... but I do and guess what? It's always the same. Actually it's not that I expect anything to be different as much as I hope my feelings will change. But they don't. Didn't? Whatever. I'm here. For now. 
My visit was... great and not so great, more good than bad definitely. I met some interesting people, got to see some that I've been missing and hung out with a few whom I couldn't have foreseen spending time with at all. It's always the people that make a trip isn't it? 

The highlights of the last week go like this: 

Running into old friends at the Sinking Ship 
Conversations with strangers at the Alley Cat 
Late night patio hangs at Sabbatical
Downtown catch ups 
Almost beating McG at mini golf 
Eating at my favorite restaurant EVER (twice) La Piedad
Vegan sloppy joe on the patio of the Broad Ripple Brew Pub 
Laying in the grass for hours alone
Seeing my favorite family 
Pink sunsets, 70 degrees, hoodies & jeans 
Riding in a police car TWICE (totally did NOT get arrested) 
Being closer (in time & distance) to my loves in Chicago & New York 
And of course the time spent with Craig, Becky, Mike, Nate, Scott, Dave & Kyle 
(The people responsible for making my trip better than I imagined it would be.)

and though you are of that swirling earth below, 
for these few moments you float 
with some small time away 
from the matters you're going to, 
the places you left behind...

I guess it's back to real life... 

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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Mid West is calling

By the time you read this I'll be on a plane. I haven't been home in 3 years which is weird and what's even more weird is that I just called it "home." Habit I guess. It's no more home than Phoenix is, not anymore. Home is a time not a place. Right? Right. I have to go finish start packing now. Shit. 

The power of youth is on my mind,
Sunsets, small town, I'm out of time.
Will you still love me when I shine,
From words but not from beauty?

My father's love was always strong,
My mother's glamour lives on and on,
Yet still inside I felt alone,
For reasons unknown to me.

But if you send for me you know I'll come,
And if you call for me you know I'll run.
I'll run to you, I'll run to you, I'll run, run, run.
I'll come to you, I'll come to you, I'll come, come, come.

Au revoir, à demain!
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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

oh the places i'll go

I booked my flights today and ummmmmm
the more I think about it the more I feel like I might throw up 
from excitement, obviously. 

Remember last year when I said that someday I would ...
Well, it's gonna happen!
Because I'm stopping in PARIS!!!

& remember when I introduced you to my favorite artist?
Making it happen! 
Because I'll be in AMSTERDAM too!!!

& I know I've talked about this babe 
Totally happening!!!
Because my last stop before home is 

Ok, ok. I need to keep it together because my heart 
is dangerously close to exploding! 
Happy Wednesday! 

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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I'd pee in his bed too...

I had my third, final and most annoying visit to Urgent Care yesterday - a follow up to the follow up of the cat bite I sustained a week ago. Here's the weird thing, I've made a few trips to the U.C. in my day - once when I was 99% sure I was having an appendicitis and that 1% of doubt was keeping me from rushing myself to the hospital, once when I'd just moved to Arizona and what I thought were new dust allergies turned out to be a full blown, 2 week battle with strep throat and then I tagged along with L when he thought he cracked a rib surfing (how cool would that've been?!) anyway I've NEVER been to U.C. and not had to wait for like 4 days before being seen. I've never been to a U.C. that wasn't bursting at the seams with bleeders, coughers, sneezers, criers and/or limpers which I find really uncomfortable and always wish I'd invested in some of those face masks when SARS was all the rage. Anyway back to my point, the "weird thing" I was supposed to be getting to-  not once in my 3 visits for this ONE injury (at 3 different U.C.s mind you.) did I have to wait and even stranger, I was literally the ONLY person there. Are people getting healthier or has everyone just caught on that Urgent Care is a bunch of bollocks? Because it is. 

Side Note: One time back in my late teens/early twenties I was sick, with just a cold or something, nothing crazy and I was bored and tired of being cut off from society so my best friend Kormos came over to keep me company and he was sporting one of those face masks. What a weird good friend right? Yep, I know. 

Anyway, ok so I go and a P.A. in his mid-late twenties takes me back to get my vitals and make me really uncomfortable. First, he weighs me. Why? I got weighed a week ago. I don't need a 2nd reminder that my donut to gym time ratio is um, shall we say off? Whatever. 
Next he asks about my leg, I tell him a cat bit me (read the paper dude) and he proceeds to tell me that his cat peed on his bed last night so he smushed his face in it and smacked his butt and the cat was howling at him but you know, he really loves the damn cat anyway. (Your cat fucking hates you dude.) 
I tell him that it wasn't my own cat that bit me but a cat at work. 

So then he puts that blood pressure cuff on me and proceeds to ask all these questions: What kind of medication are you on? I tell him. He asks "And thaaaaat's because...?"
Well guy, because I am a lunatic, have anger issues, at any given moment ready to go postal, consistently teeter between rage and sadness, have anxiety. I have anxiety. And I'm thinking: Bro. I know you know what those meds are for. You just want me to say it. Dick.

And then the thing beeps and he goes "Uh, no. I know that's not your REAL blood pressure. I have to do it again." So I say "Oh no. Is it bad?" and he actually SHUSHES ME! "Shhhhh no talking. We need an accurate read." 
Well you're the one who was being nosy and prompting me to divulge some shit that has nothing to do with a cat bite on my leg the first time around, guy. 

So then beep #2 and under his breath he says "Guess I'll go with the first one."  And I'm like wait, is it weird? And he says "A little high. You're probably just nervous." And I know what he's trying to say because he's THAT guy, the one that thinks he's super hot with his gold chain and watch and overly styled hair, the one that thinks every girl swoons at the mere sight of him, myself included. No dude, I don't find you even remotely attractive and you're an idiot.
Then I shit you not, this conversation takes place

Him: Where do you work?
Me: I work at an animal rescue.
Him: So could I give my cat to you guys?
Me: We don't take cats from the public. We take cats that are on the county and humane society's euthanasia list. (In My Head: Uh, you just said you loved him! You are an awful person.)
Him: So what would I have to do?
Me: Surrendor him to the county or Humane Society and hope that we get to him before he gets put down. 
Him: Yeah maybe I'll just set him free. He isn't neutered so I think he'd be fine on his own (WAIT! WHAT?) and I just always felt like cats shouldn't be confined to a house - that they should roam. 
Me: Well you know, if he's not neutered he's going to go make tons of babies and part of the problem is over population, I mean that's why so many animals end up at shelters and get put down. (In My Head: You don't have a lion or a tiger motherfucker! You have a domestic house cat! What in the literal fuck is wrong with you!?)
Him: Yeah I think I'll take him to Flagstaff. I think he'll do fine in the woods up there. 
Me: ... 
Him: Yeah, we'll go on a little road trip. 

Cue the actual doctor, a short little Asian grandpa kind of guy with a head drastically disproportionate to his body sporting skate shoes and saggy jeans. I refuse to believe that his ensemble was a fashion statement and instead the result of unknowingly shopping in the kid section at JC Penny. 

Douchebag PA leaves and the Dr. looks at my leg which is now it's normal color with one tiny scab and a scar where the other bite mark was. He then cleans it - oh.kay. and smothers it in ointment before slapping a band-aide on that bad boy. I think it was all for show because I clearly don't need a band-aide on a scab that's the size of a large fleck of glitter and bound to fall off in the next few days if not hours. He sends me on my way but not before gifting me with a care package that included 
1 (one) standard band-aide and 2 (two) mini packets of ointment. 
Thank you doctor. No, really. 

The End. What about you, have any awesomely ridiculous visits to the U.C.? 
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Sunday, December 8, 2013

I've entered the world of Online Dating!

kind of. 
For those of you just joining my party you're probs all "High five girl! Get some!" 
and for those of you who know me you're probs all "Waaaait wha?!" 
I said kind of. See after a few weeks of nudging, Push has finally agreed to allow me to be her personal Patti Stanger and surrogate antenna! Nothing is wrong with Push but as Patti would say, her picker is off. Basically she's stuck in a BBFPNBM rut. (bad boy/pretty face/not bf material) You know what I'm talking about. We've all been there right? 

I mean, how else can I explain the 2 blissful days I spent "in love"/ making out with Kool-aide, an unemployed pseudo break dancer with a severe case of ADHD whom I met at a rave when I was 20? Annnd yes, as far as I know that is/was his real name. When I called his house his mother actually yelled "KOOL-AIDE! PHONE!" 

Anyway, the first night I met Kool-aide we made out more than we spoke and that could essentially sum up our entire (2 day) relationship. The second day my good friend/wing-woman went to pick him up for me since neither Kool-aide nor I had a license or car. Said friend dropped him off at my house and we walked a few miles to the Ave because he needed a new pair of UFO's.  
His were not pink but I wish they had been. I'd like to think we would have parted ways right then and there, saving me the few hours of my life spent watching him dance around my room in silence with the exception of the occasional outburst. 
 "I always hear music in my head and I just gotta dance!" "I gotta move!" "I just feel it!"
Somehow I wasn't phased by his purchase or his ADHD and when he wasn't dancing we were making out. He spent the night (for the record, NONE of my clothes came off. If I had slept with him I'd be filled so much shame and regret I would never again have uttered his name let alone blog about him.) and when he left the next morning I pointed him to the bus stop across the street which I could see perfectly from my bedroom window. As I watched him dance across the road he whipped out a do-rag and that my friends is when our relationship came to a screeching halt.  At that moment it was as if a glow stick light bulb went off in my head and I knew we just weren't meant to be. 
The resemblance is uncanny. 

Pre Kool-aide there was Mike (not to be confused with my HS sweetheart Mike aka The Hawaiian OR the Mike that came about later, the more serious and responsible one.) 
No, no! This Mike was a squatter with hot pink, leopard print dyed into his bright yellow hair. When I fist met him he was technically homeless but soon after my crush came on full force he got a mattress on the floor of a shitty punk-rock crash pad. 
I'm going to stop there because I can feel you judging me. In my defense I didn't sleep with him either. I may not have been concerned with where he was laying his body & head at night but that doesn't mean I wasn't concerned with my own. Plus I was still in the "make out only" stage of my young adulthood. Thank GOD. 

Umm - I just read what I've written so far. I DON'T KNOW YOU GUYS! I DON'T KNOW!
I'm reformed. Fully. Swear. & this isn't even about me so lets move on ok!?

Back to online dating. We only set up Push's profile a few days ago and already I'm exhausted. Guys are SO f'ing annoying. 

Anyway, my intention for this post actually wasn't to ramble on about myself but I'll be honest, though some of my friends are/were familiar with Kool-aide &/or Mike I don't think any of them were ever fully aware of the ridiculously low standards I once had that I suffered a truly serious case of BBFPNBM so in a way this was cathartic. If you're reading any of this and questioning your current relationship I urge you to get help! Get help now! It's not too late. Purge all the Kool-aides and homeless Mikes from your life! 

And seriously, stop judging me! PlsKThxBai

Pardon the addendum  BUT OH MY MOTHER_F***ING GOD you guys! Why did L just saunter into the living room shirtless with a makeshift do-rag!? He swears up and down he didn't read this post! My heart dropped into my stomach and PTSD kicked in! 
This is going to haunt me forever isn't it?!

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