This weekend was pretty good - actually really good, for an anti-social, low-key kind of weekend. First and foremost I received my Secret Santa Swap gift on Friday.
My Secret Santa was Heather over at My Little HEA and I can't tell you how thoughtful and sweet her gifts were. Thank You Heather! & Thank you Allie for hosting! It was fun!
1. Alligator card - She's from Florida & hey hey! So am I!
2. Kit Kat & Reece's Cups - My favorite candies!
3. Seche Vite top coat - Oddly enough I was just talking about this specific top coat
4. A hand made (?) book mark - bird and all!
5. Tampa by Alissa Nutting - was on my list & now it's on my night stand!
I couldn't have asked for a better Secret Santa!
I actually got my package on my way out for a massage! I found a deal on Yelp that was way too good to pass up especially considering how horribly knotty my back has been the last week and a half- on account of getting jacked at the gym obvs. Anyway, AZ Body Therapy is legit! Totally worth the 30minute drive. I got a Swedish/ Deep Tissue combo and oh.em.gee. It was awesome! I felt like I got run over by a truck the next day but I think that's a sign of a really good massage and as of last night I feel brand new.
Saturday I ate breakfast at my fave Scottsdale spot - Morning Squeeze. If you live within 60minutes or happen to find yourself in AZ, do yourself a major favor and GO THERE! It's amaze to say the least!
After breakfast, despite being a little bit afraid to do it alone, Parker and I decided to go on a little adventure of our own. Lezzbehonest, Parker is no Lassie and if something were to happen she's likely to go down with me. She's not a wimp you guys - it's called LOYALTY. Anyway, I managed to not get us killed but I can't say that we were as cautious as we should have been. You know how some people have body dysmorphia disorder? I've come to the conclusion that I have some kind of height vs danger dysmorphia or something - because I sure can get myself up, up, up pretty quickly but by the time I realize getting down is going to be way harder/more dangerous/almost impossible/life threatening - it's too late. Parker got a taste of this first hand and she was not happy with me. In fact her whining and my sliding around, kicking rocks down the side of a cliff (I use the term "cliff" loosely) caught the attention of a seemingly more experienced and prepared hiker who greeted us at the top and around a gigantic boulder. Even though he heard our struggle AND witnessed our success he was still giving us a sideways "you are both idiots." kind of look. Whatever dude. Little things - chihuahuas and 5'0" girls for example are nimble as fuck so how ya like them apples?
Which brings us to yesterday - yesterday I decided to surprise L with a trip to As You Wish.AYW is a pottery painting place where you decorate your thing, they cook it and you pick it up a few days later. It's one of those cute activities you do with your girls or on a date. Anyway, I've had many a girl date at AYW and even though L has expressed exactly zero interest I took him anyway. I called it a surprise to coax him into going. What I hadn't anticipated was how overwhelmed he might be. What hadn't occurred to me is that when you, as an amateur (me) introduce a professional (him) to your amateur's wonderland, you're going to have a completely different experience than if you were with your peers.
Not only is L a professional artist but he's one of of those people who does everything really, really well. Everything he touches turns to gold ya know, and he's used to that so anything less than perfect is unacceptable. What would have taken Push, Sara, Jordan or Meg an hour took him 3. It wasn't not fun and I was surprisingly patient because I really do get a kick out of seeing him do his thang but I feel like my idea of a relaxing Sunday backfired. The good news is that his 2 year old niece is going to get a real deal piece of art in the form of a stacked owl piggy bank and I'm going to get a super crappy crafty jewelry holder. (Notice that it's holiday season and I made something for myself while L made something for someone else. Pretty much sums up our personalities.)
Since it's Monday of course I'm linking up with Sami!
For those of you just joining my party you're probs all "High five girl! Get some!"
and for those of you who know me you're probs all "Waaaait wha?!"
I said kind of. See after a few weeks of nudging, Push has finally agreed to allow me to be her personal Patti Stanger and surrogate antenna! Nothing is wrong with Push but as Patti would say, her picker is off. Basically she's stuck in a BBFPNBM rut. (bad boy/pretty face/not bf material) You know what I'm talking about. We've all been there right?
I mean, how else can I explain the 2 blissful days I spent "in love"/ making out with Kool-aide, an unemployed pseudo break dancer with a severe case of ADHD whom I met at a rave when I was 20? Annnd yes, as far as I know that is/was his real name. When I called his house his mother actually yelled "KOOL-AIDE! PHONE!"
Anyway, the first night I met Kool-aide we made out more than we spoke and that could essentially sum up our entire (2 day) relationship. The second day my good friend/wing-woman went to pick him up for me since neither Kool-aide nor I had a license or car. Said friend dropped him off at my house and we walked a few miles to the Ave because he needed a new pair of UFO's.
His were not pink but I wish they had been. I'd like to think we would have parted ways right then and there, saving me the few hours of my life spent watching him dance around my room in silence with the exception of the occasional outburst.
"I always hear music in my head and I just gotta dance!" "I gotta move!" "I just feel it!"
Somehow I wasn't phased by his purchase or his ADHD and when he wasn't dancing we were making out. He spent the night (for the record, NONE of my clothes came off. If I had slept with him I'd be filled so much shame and regret I would never again have uttered his name let alone blog about him.) and when he left the next morning I pointed him to the bus stop across the street which I could see perfectly from my bedroom window. As I watched him dance across the road he whipped out a do-rag and that my friends is when our relationship came to a screeching halt. At that moment it was as if a glow sticklight bulb went off in my head and I knew we just weren't meant to be.
The resemblance is uncanny.
Pre Kool-aide there was Mike (not to be confused with my HS sweetheart Mike aka The Hawaiian OR the Mike that came about later, the more serious and responsible one.)
No, no! This Mike was a squatter with hot pink, leopard print dyed into his bright yellow hair. When I fist met him he was technically homeless but soon after my crush came on full force he got a mattress on the floor of a shitty punk-rock crash pad.
I'm going to stop there because I can feel you judging me. In my defense I didn't sleep with him either. I may not have been concerned with where he was laying his body & head at night but that doesn't mean I wasn't concerned with my own. Plus I was still in the "make out only" stage of my young adulthood. Thank GOD.
Umm - I just read what I've written so far. I DON'T KNOW YOU GUYS! I DON'T KNOW!
I'm reformed. Fully. Swear. & this isn't even about me so lets move on ok!?
Back to online dating. We only set up Push's profile a few days ago and already I'm exhausted. Guys are SO f'ing annoying. First of all you fill out this bazillion question survey of who you are and what you want/don't want and guess what, you're bombarded with winks/nudges/smiles/pokes/messages/etc. from people who clearly don't fit or worse, from people who want exactly what you aren't.
If my/her profile says I'm/she's 5'3" and you insist on someone over 5'7" then WHY are you winking at us!? If my/her profile says I'm/she's 37 (I'm not 37 btw - sorry M, don't mean to sell you out haha), I'm/she's looking for someone between 34-42 and you are 21 looking for someone between 19-24 then WHY are you winking at us?
Know what I mean? That's not even the tip of the iceberg either but I'll save the rest for another day.
Anyway, my intention for this post actually wasn't to ramble on about myself but I'll be honest, though some of my friends are/were familiar with Kool-aide &/or Mike I don't think any of them were ever fully aware of the ridiculously low standards I once had that I suffered a truly serious case of BBFPNBM so in a way this was cathartic. If you're reading any of this and questioning your current relationship I urge you to get help! Get help now! It's not too late. Purge all the Kool-aides and homeless Mikes from your life!
And seriously, stop judging me! PlsKThxBai
Pardon the addendum BUT OH MY MOTHER_F***ING GOD you guys! Why did L just saunter into the living room shirtless with a makeshift do-rag!? He swears up and down he didn't read this post! My heart dropped into my stomach and PTSD kicked in!
I.am.so. tired!!! I've been struggling this morning, going back and forth with myself -
write this post and get it out of the way orrrr go back to sleep and do it later?
Right now what little motivation I have is winning over my inherent laziness. (Stranger things have happened I suppose, but I can't think of any at the moment.) I drove to California AND BACK yesterday. That's 8+ hours in the car. It's weird how sitting on your ass, hunched over a steering wheel can really take it all out of you isn't it?
Anyway, let's get on with things.
Long story short, I was supposed to go to L.A. Saturday night with my friends The Iris for their show at Bar Sinister. Sunday they were doing a photo shoot at The Salton Sea and I was going to wander around on my own. I didn't have a sitter for Parker though so instead I hung with my babe Sara (don't worry, there will be a post dedicated to that tomorrow) and instead left bright and early Sunday morning with Parker in tow to swoop up Push (my BFF/Blog Assistant) - Salton Sea or Bust!
*We were supposed to meet up with the boys at some point but only saw them in passing at a gas station.
If you're unfamiliar with The Salton Sea well, me too, kinda. Despite sitting through a 7 minute "film" courtesy of the adorbz little lady manning the The Salton Sea Visitor Center, I still don't get what the F happened here. The Colorado River flooded and because some greedy sneaks decided to be greedy and sneaky the Salton Sea was created. It's a lake. I don't know why they call it a sea. I don't know why it's saltier than the Pacific Ocean. I don't know why the beach is made entirely of crushed shells. I don't know why, despite the MOST DISGUSTING SMELL (dead fish & sulfur) wafting through the air anyone would want to live anywhere near it. And most importantly I don't know what the hell happened there to make it so eery and desolate and flat out creepy. I could find out and tell you but that's Wiki's job not minez ;) What I do know is that we were expecting this:
but due to the state deciding to "clean it up" that's not exactly what we got.
Instead of abandoned homes/cars/RVs/etc. this is what we found, a deserted and desolate shoreline that was just as creepy as it was pretty.
& dead fish
We weren't at the beach for long before the smell started to get to us.
Even Parker was gagging.
So we decided to adventure elsewhere, destination #2 Bat Cave Buttes. Exxxxcept I'm pretty sure that place doesn't exist because we searched HIGH AND LOW. We marched along the highway (on foot), over the river and through the woods, up dirt mounds, along railroad tracks, you name the terrain, we explored it. We barely escaped being serial killed. We were hunted by a mountain lion/panther/jaguar and I almost tumbled to my death from a railroad trestle. (I may be exaggerating slightly, about the dangers we encountered... except for that very last part, I did climb a railroad trestle and I did get stuck for a few minutes and I could have easily tumbled down, possibly dying but certainly breaking a bone or 5. Mel was scared, Parker was scared, I was rull scared.)
(obvs before I realized I was in danger)
I will booty pop ANYWHERE I can.
I meant it when I said we were marching along the highway
take note, there is NO ONE & NOTHING for miles
and then we stumbled upon Bombay Beach pop. 295
the outdoor lounge… pay-rittty fancy!
After dodging a few dodgy lookin folk in that hood we decided enough thrill seeking for one day. We quit while we were ahead and peaced the F out!
How was YOUR weekend? Did you kick of December properly?