Monday, December 5, 2016

bridges and boundaries

Nine Below 
Across the frozen Bering Sea is the invisible border 
of two warring countries. I am loyal to neither, 
only to the birds who fly over, laugh at the ridiculous 
ways of humans, know wars destroy dreams, divide the
country inside us. Last night there was a breaking 
wave, in the center of a dream war. You were there, but 
I couldn't see you. Woke up cold in a hot house. Didn't 
sleep but fought the distances I had imagined, and went 
back to find you. I called my heart's dogs, gave them
the sound of your blue saxophone to know you by, and let them 
smell the shirt you wore when we last made love. 
I walked with them along the white sea, and
crossed to the fiery plain of my dreaming. We circled 
the place; you weren't there. I found nothing I could see, 
no trace of war, of you, but the dogs barked, rolled
in your smell, ears pricked at what they could hear that
I couldn't. They ran to me, licked the smell of the wet 
tracks of your mouth from my neck, my shoulder. They 
smelled your come on my finger, my face. They felt the 
quivering nerve of emotion that forced me to live. It
made them nervous, excited. I loosened my mind's rein
let them find you. 
I watched them follow the invisible connection. They
traveled a spiral arc through an Asiatic burst of time. 
There were no false boundaries between countries, between 
us. They climbed the polar ice, saw it melt. 
They flew through the shimmering houses of the gods, 
crossed over into your childhood, and then souls. 
When they arrived in your heart's atmosphere it was 
an easy sixty degrees. The war was over; it had never
begun. And you were alive and laughing, standing beneath
a fat sun, calling me home. 
6 year ago I quoted that poem and today I have absolutely no memory of it; not the author, the book, the inspiration, the significance, ever having read it or ever being able to relate to it.
I needed to write it down again - it's hard to find in it's entirety. 
Today it makes every ounce of sense it never could have back then. I'm so confused. How could I have forgotten something that would someday resonate more than almost any stranger's words ever have? Was I predicting my own future? Did I know something back then? 
I don't know if I'm more amazed at how little I remember or by how much I've completely forgotten. 
This is so weird.
It reminds me of a boy I met not very long ago; a boy I walked away from despite our magic. I don't mean sparks and butterflies and "I hope he kisses me." magic. I mean that there was a familiarity and curiosity like I'd known him in another lifetime; he had the scars to match my own heredity, Fibonacci, law of attraction type magic. Despite, and eventually through the excitement of it all I started to see the cracks in his heart and a darkness I couldn't yield to. It might not have been as dangerous as it felt but I'm not the only one who saw the potential. Anyway, I'd mostly put him out of my mind until this morning and for some reason I thought of the bit of this poem that I'd only (re)discovered the other day, and it made me wonder... 
None of this is to say that I'm sad - I'm not. God, don't take it that way. I'm happier than I can ever remember being. I'm also more aware of connections than I've ever been. Abraham says all relationships are eternal. If I close my eyes I imagine you're all these little points on a map, some more faint than others, and the cords are like highways leading in and around and even through some of you. I keep being shown these things, proof of it all. The Universe is giving me clues. I'm watching and listening. I'm paying attention. 

We will all find our way, no matter fire leaping through holes in jump time,
No matter earthquake, or the breaking of love spilling over the dreck of matter
In the ether, stacking one burden
Against the other — 

 photo 55aed85f-c5ee-4ae9-a868-463e1c972fc0.jpg

Tuesday, June 21, 2016


I should be working. Instead I somehow found myself here, on my own blog reading my own history. For whatever reason, this one post stood out. I originally wrote and published it February 2011. Today it stands out but I can't decide if it still scares me or not. (I also don't know if this means I'm going to start writing again...)

i don't want to tell you anything.
if i speak it
it becomes truth.
because there's always truth behind what i say
if you strip the tone and context
you're left with specific words
and less or not,
their specific meanings.
there's danger there
beyond intention,
there's interpretation.
once i speak i've lost control.
i don't want to give you the power
or necessarily, the opportunity to react
for fear that your reaction will dictate my own 
and strip me of my stillness. 

 photo 55aed85f-c5ee-4ae9-a868-463e1c972fc0.jpg

Saturday, August 1, 2015

I don't know what I'm doing

I'm not sure I'm going to continue with this blog, if I'll start a new one or if I'm interested in writing at all anymore. For now I'm going through and deleting a lot. I'm getting rid of the shit posts, the posts I published for the "blog community", the space fillers and certain reminders of my old life.
A lot can change in a year. A lot has changed. 
 photo 55aed85f-c5ee-4ae9-a868-463e1c972fc0.jpg

Monday, October 20, 2014

2 Carrie's & more goodbyes

So much has changed since I last posted... if you're following me on Instie or we're FB friends you've seen the pictures (and you're probably super confused.) Lets see if I can explain. 
[First let me preface my explanation with this:
Before I went to South Africa last September there was just one me, the Carrie that wanted to live a fast life in a big city with all of the conveniences, surrounded by people doin their own thangs, being a boss, being a Boss Lady to be exact. That's how I imagined life would be and that's exactly what I was gunning for in New York buuuut... since South Africa there are two Carrie's, the one I just described and one that needs to travel and meet people and see things and live simply. That Carrie is happy if she's making more memories than money. That Carrie is obsessed with not wasting a moment - not wanting to die wishing she'd done more with all the time she had when she was young and healthy. That Carrie started to show herself more than the first.]
But ok, lemme tell you about New York. 
So, after my last post I kept meeting all kinds of really awesome people. I was getting the hang of things, had some really cool potential opportunities, and the nights - shit. The nights in New York are amazing. You really can't beat em. Whether it was bike rides through Williamsburg, dinners on the Lower East Side, wandering around Dumbo and SoHo, going to an art show at an urban garden in Queens, walking over the Brooklyn Bridge or finding myself in Chinatown...
 I was having a blast and I never had to venture far to find friends. I spent a lot of time at Skytown, the cute little bar across the street from my apartment. It quickly became my second home and the magical spot where all of these new wonderful people came into my life, people who had a lot to say, think and do, people passing through, people just like me, people who'd been in my shoes and only wanted me to stay and be happy and make it work. 
Those people absolutely made my nights and I love them for it but see, the magic kind of disappears when the sun starts coming up. The days were rough. My days were the hardest. When everyone else in the city was at work or sleeping off their night before I was in a cramped little apartment looking for jobs, nursing an insane amount of blisters and watching every documentary on Netflix imaginable. And then shit happened.  
It's no secret that I'd left Arizona with a lot of things up in the air - unfinished business if you will and suddenly I couldn't avoid it any longer. I was conflicted and confused. Add that to a growing list of daily frustrations (99% humidity is a killer especially when you're waiting for the train or a car, especially when you're in a hurry, especially when you're lost and it's raining and especially when you're trying to look professional because you're going to a job interview, having to dodge heroin zombies, crackheads and weirdos when you just want to get a cup of coffee, getting screamed at by homeless people when you're minding your own business, fighting over push carts in the laundry mat, having to walk four blocks to get cold medicine and/or tampons when all you want to do is stay inside and die.) It all just got to be too much so I freaked out and booked a flight home. 

My fifth and last week in New York also happened to be the week of my birthday and I treated it accordingly. Every night was a late one - the bars close at 4am. I'd stay out until 5 or 6 or 8...  
I celebrated with everyone - Andy & Shawn, the Skytown Crew (Sam, Sam, Collin, Summer, Shantel, Kevin, Kevin, Laura, Donnie & Max) the French guy & Garth, an Ohio pair, Ari & a pack of strangers. I was gifted with the annual cookie cake, flowers, dinners, lunches, adventures, cheers & SO MANY hugs! I had a time - I'm telling you, it was a birthday week I'll never forget and the perfect way to disguise a hesitant goodbye. 
Annnnnd by the time I got back to Phoenix I had a pretty severe case of Strep Throat accompanied by Scarlet Fever. SCARLET FEVER! What year is it?! I thought that shit disappeared in the middle ages but nope, it's still alive & kickin... it was kickin all over my body. Balance y'all. :/ 

So that's the New York part of my story.  Did I give up too soon? Maybe. Did I do it all wrong? Probably. Was I as prepared as I thought I was? Meh, who knows? Do I regret my time there? Not at all. Am I certain that New York isn't the place for me? Yeah I'm pretty certain. 
But wait! I said it was just the New York part of the story. I was only in Phoenix for a week before I left again... California was calling...  I'll tell you about that adventure later. 
 photo 55aed85f-c5ee-4ae9-a868-463e1c972fc0.jpg

Monday, August 18, 2014

Time for goodbyes...

Tomorrow I'll be in New York, Brooklyn if you want specifics, my new home to be exact. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just as scared as I am excited. Arizona's been home for almost 6 and a half years. A lot has happened here but so much hasn't happened, the kind of stuff I know I'm meant for. 

I never intended to be here this long but leaving places has never been easy for me, even when staying was the last thing I wanted. Time goes by fast & the older you get the faster it goes. It seems like last week I was 18 and yesterday I graduated college. Suddenly I'm an adult. Suddenly I'm closer to 40 than I am to 20. Suddenly it's 6 years later and still, here I am. 
But today, for real - I'm packing my bags and preparing to leave everyone and everything, all of my worldly possessions (that won't fit into 3 suitcases) because suddenly I'm more afraid of wasting time than I am to do whatever it takes to get everything I want. 

I don't know what's going to happen... I don't know what to expect. I do know that it's not going to be easy. I know that I'm going to have to bust my ass. I know that I have SO much support and that my best, best is giving up his couch and what little extra space he has in his studio apartment until I find a job. I know that I'm going to miss my friends and family here in Arizona like crazy. I know that if I don't do this now I may never do it and more than anything, that "What if's" are best when you treat them like "Why not's" 

Au revoir Arizona!
Thanks for the memories! 
I'll see you again, hopefully later than sooner. 
 photo 55aed85f-c5ee-4ae9-a868-463e1c972fc0.jpg

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

with some small time away

Never Gonna Change by BROODS on Grooveshark
I'm back in Arizona annnnd it's exactly the same as I left it. I don't know why I ever expect to come home to something different, whether I leave for 2 days, a week or a month... but I do and guess what? It's always the same. Actually it's not that I expect anything to be different as much as I hope my feelings will change. But they don't. Didn't? Whatever. I'm here. For now. 
My visit was... great and not so great, more good than bad definitely. I met some interesting people, got to see some that I've been missing and hung out with a few whom I couldn't have foreseen spending time with at all. It's always the people that make a trip isn't it? 

The highlights of the last week go like this: 

Running into old friends at the Sinking Ship 
Conversations with strangers at the Alley Cat 
Late night patio hangs at Sabbatical
Downtown catch ups 
Almost beating McG at mini golf 
Eating at my favorite restaurant EVER (twice) La Piedad
Vegan sloppy joe on the patio of the Broad Ripple Brew Pub 
Laying in the grass for hours alone
Seeing my favorite family 
Pink sunsets, 70 degrees, hoodies & jeans 
Riding in a police car TWICE (totally did NOT get arrested) 
Being closer (in time & distance) to my loves in Chicago & New York 
And of course the time spent with Craig, Becky, Mike, Nate, Scott, Dave & Kyle 
(The people responsible for making my trip better than I imagined it would be.)

and though you are of that swirling earth below, 
for these few moments you float 
with some small time away 
from the matters you're going to, 
the places you left behind...

I guess it's back to real life... 

 photo 55aed85f-c5ee-4ae9-a868-463e1c972fc0.jpg

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Mid West is calling

By the time you read this I'll be on a plane. I haven't been home in 3 years which is weird and what's even more weird is that I just called it "home." Habit I guess. It's no more home than Phoenix is, not anymore. Home is a time not a place. Right? Right. I have to go finish start packing now. Shit. 

The power of youth is on my mind,
Sunsets, small town, I'm out of time.
Will you still love me when I shine,
From words but not from beauty?

My father's love was always strong,
My mother's glamour lives on and on,
Yet still inside I felt alone,
For reasons unknown to me.

But if you send for me you know I'll come,
And if you call for me you know I'll run.
I'll run to you, I'll run to you, I'll run, run, run.
I'll come to you, I'll come to you, I'll come, come, come.

Au revoir, à demain!
 photo 55aed85f-c5ee-4ae9-a868-463e1c972fc0.jpg

Friday, November 22, 2013

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Another Reason to Love Shark Week

I couldn't keep this to myself & I obviously couldn't wait to share. I feel like I'd be doing you a  HUGE disservice by withholding this any longer than I absolutely had to. 

I gave you the best part of the story but if you need to read the rest, go for it. 
Yeah, you're welcome. 

I'm starting to regret not moving to NYC like we planned. :/

xoxo C.